SnOMG

Crazy, crazy times in Indy this week. As any Midwesterner knows, we're under the deadly clutches of a blizzard. Which, thanks to the weather persons I now know, has nothing to do with snow -- it's wind. The scary weather has me thinking (a dangerous past time -- I know!) that I'm not sure about my career path. Just follow me . . .

Going into nursing school, I wanted to be an ER nurse, just like my mom. I wanted to get people in, save their lives, then ship 'em out. No "nurse-patient relationship" involved. Then, I got a job with the VA in SICU, and I fell in love. Having the same patients for a few days wasn't that bad, especially if they were vented and sedated. I could talk to my patients, but not deal with them talking back. I felt in control. I loved it. Nothing lasts forever, though, and I found out there wouldn't be a job for me after graduation. I had to leave SICU and go into a private company. I applied EVERYWHERE. I got turned down over 30 times. Many applications pre-rejected me. When I clicked "Less than 1 year experience" the online app would close out automatically. Ouch. Finally, somewhere called back and I took a job with an LTAC.

My first few months as an RN, to be frank, sucked. I cried before my shifts, desperate to find another job. I got physically ill thinking about going. Thankfully, I found a few places to interview me, and I went back into post-surgical nursing. Med-surg, but still surgical. I'm not going to lie, I rocked out orientation. My preceptor constantly reinforced that I was doing a great job. I felt awesome. But for some reason, after orientation, I fell off the Awesomeness Wagon, and fell somewhere around mediocre. I'm questioning whether this type of nursing is what I should be doing.

When the storm hit, I felt myself getting angry that my job would ask me to risk my and my husband's safety so I could get to work. If I get hurt, how can I take care of people later? And wouldn't they be upset if I missed even more work after an accident? I was feeling pretty bitter when I called to say that I couldn't get into our car. Now, sitting here, I'm wondering if this means I should be in this job. I'm not quitting, but it makes me think.

When Chris and I have children, will I be able to leave them all day for work? Will I be able to sacrifice having dinner with them every night? Am I ready to be a working, 21st century wife? I don't know. And I don't know what God wants from me, either.