He can make anything NEW

I'm starting to find my identity wrapped up in God's again.

These past few months have been good for my growth. As anyone who reads back can tell, work was my main concern for a while. I felt trapped. I couldn't maintain mine and Chris's finances by doing anything else, but I didn't feel good about where I was, either. I can't tell you the moment it happened, but over the weeks, I felt more comfortable in my work. I stopped dreading my shifts, and while I was there, I felt as if I could handle the load. Now that my career is on a better path, I've been able to focus on my personal walk.

I have to give credit where credit is due: my Church family has been more than necessary in my journey; more specifically, my CityGroup. These men and women have been the best examples of God's love to me! They genuinely desire to know me and Chris, and to see us grow. Many nights, the men and women separate so we can pray as sisters or brothers together. I find myself confessing my sins to my sisters in a way I've never done before. I am able to tell them how I'm struggling, and they never judge or condemn. Instead, they love me where I am, and lead me toward a better way.

Right now, they're encouraging me to take better care of myself. They aren't making me feel fat and lazy. They're encouraging me to be what God created me to be, a strong, healthy woman. And they're gently reminding me that our God is a God of order, not chaos. So, in a way, I'm worshiping Him by keeping my home and life in order. I'm also seeing how God wants me to care for my body, as much for my husband as for myself. God didn't create me to let myself waste away!

This feeling is beautiful and encouraging.

Frustration and Learning

I've been following a blog related to living as a Godly wife and mother. The mothering conversations didn't apply to me, but I still read them and enjoyed the blog. I was gleaning ideas on how to be a good wife to Chris, and how to run our home. A few weeks ago, I actually commented on one of the blog posts. I guess the writer decided she needed to set me straight on the issue, so she e-mailed me. Here's what she said:

Thanks for your inquiry. Unfortunately, I don't believe it is biblical for the wife to be working outside the home after the arrival of children, so I do not believe I can address that issue. I would encourage you to search the Scriptures and pray together with your husband on the topic. I believe there are great benefits and rewards for being at home and raising my children. I know I could not personally successfully manage a career and my home simultaneously. My goal is to simply care for, nurture, and train my children to love the Lord. That is a full time job. I pray the Lord would guide you in this decision making process. It is certainly possible to live on one income. I can testify to that! And it is a beautiful adventure!

She doesn't believe it is biblical? I have searched Scripture, and my Bible seems to have left that part out. Actually, in Proverbs 31, the woman Soloman described works A LOT outside of her home. She makes clothes and sells them. Sounds like a job to me. I am not trying to say that her (the blogger's) choice of staying at home is stupid. Far from it. If I felt God wanted me in my home 24/7 to raise my children, I would do everything in my power to do it. I don't feel like God brought me through 4 years of nursing school to NOT be a nurse. I plan on working fewer hours once we've had children. I also plan to work less after we're out of debt. But I don't believe God wants to me drop my career and hard work. What would I be teaching my children then?

?*&%#$@

I am constantly trying to be better. I'm trying to be a better friend, daughter, wife, nurse and Christian. But I keep failing. I keep telling myself to call all my friends on my day off. But I don't. I keep planning to spend the afternoon with my parents, but I never go. I try to take better care of my husband's needs (a clean home, a relaxing dinner, etc) but when I get off work I let him do it, because I tell myself that I worked too hard all day. I try to spend time in Scripture each day and talk to God throughout my day, but, again, I rationalize that I'm too tired on days that I work. I am so frustrated with myself sometimes.

SnOMG

Crazy, crazy times in Indy this week. As any Midwesterner knows, we're under the deadly clutches of a blizzard. Which, thanks to the weather persons I now know, has nothing to do with snow -- it's wind. The scary weather has me thinking (a dangerous past time -- I know!) that I'm not sure about my career path. Just follow me . . .

Going into nursing school, I wanted to be an ER nurse, just like my mom. I wanted to get people in, save their lives, then ship 'em out. No "nurse-patient relationship" involved. Then, I got a job with the VA in SICU, and I fell in love. Having the same patients for a few days wasn't that bad, especially if they were vented and sedated. I could talk to my patients, but not deal with them talking back. I felt in control. I loved it. Nothing lasts forever, though, and I found out there wouldn't be a job for me after graduation. I had to leave SICU and go into a private company. I applied EVERYWHERE. I got turned down over 30 times. Many applications pre-rejected me. When I clicked "Less than 1 year experience" the online app would close out automatically. Ouch. Finally, somewhere called back and I took a job with an LTAC.

My first few months as an RN, to be frank, sucked. I cried before my shifts, desperate to find another job. I got physically ill thinking about going. Thankfully, I found a few places to interview me, and I went back into post-surgical nursing. Med-surg, but still surgical. I'm not going to lie, I rocked out orientation. My preceptor constantly reinforced that I was doing a great job. I felt awesome. But for some reason, after orientation, I fell off the Awesomeness Wagon, and fell somewhere around mediocre. I'm questioning whether this type of nursing is what I should be doing.

When the storm hit, I felt myself getting angry that my job would ask me to risk my and my husband's safety so I could get to work. If I get hurt, how can I take care of people later? And wouldn't they be upset if I missed even more work after an accident? I was feeling pretty bitter when I called to say that I couldn't get into our car. Now, sitting here, I'm wondering if this means I should be in this job. I'm not quitting, but it makes me think.

When Chris and I have children, will I be able to leave them all day for work? Will I be able to sacrifice having dinner with them every night? Am I ready to be a working, 21st century wife? I don't know. And I don't know what God wants from me, either.

I woke up this morning, made my husband breakfast, grabbed a cup of coffee and sat down to the news. My husband bustled around our small apartment, preparing himself for his cold drive north. At 7:00, I gave him a kiss and sent him off to school. I've found myself envious of him these past few months. It's hard to believe I've been out of school for 6 months now. It hit me a bit when Chris went back to school in August, but I was still incredibly busy with the wedding. Now, after he's gone back for spring semester, I feel it intensely. I'm in the business of my everyday life. I work 3 days a week and attempt to have a "life" on the other 4. When I go to the hospital, I stand alone. Students look to me to teach them. But I'm still learning.

God is teaching me to let go and grow up, but I feel myself resisting. I'm already considering going into another nursing program. I know I need to wait. I'm not confident in my practice. I have no business being an advanced-practice nurse. I'm praying that God will give my mind rest and contentment in this time of my life. I must learn to be content in my job and with my education. I must avoid the temptation to say, "It will get better when . . . " or "I will be happier if . . ." When those things happpen, there will always be something else. It's life.

All I can do is pray and study His Word.

The Change

I highly doubt anyone will notice this. I don't believe I have readers, nor do I believe I ever will. However, for some time, I've considered converting this blog into something more personal for myself. It's clear to me now that the gardens aren't going to happen any time soon. My friends and I are young dreamers, and we're all currently living out different dreams. Brian is living out his dream in California, and I'm proud of him for that. To ask him to spearhead this garden with me would be selfish. Renee is busy juggling her two jobs and her blooming relationship, figuring out how to be a young professional in a very tough field (criminal justice). Sam is busy living out her life with Jennifer, deciding what's best for the two of them. And Chris and I are newlyweds, trying to figure out marriage. It's overwhelming and wonderful. So the garden must wait.

My new purpose for Katallagei (because the name is no less relevant) is to throw out my ideas. I want to share what God is teaching me. I'm in an amazing season of life -- God has put spiritually mature women in my life who are pouring their knowledge on me. The women in my CityGroup are teaching me how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. My pastors are challenging me to be in true community with the church and the Irvington community. And another young couple has taken Chris and me under their wing to help us manage our finances.

Look for me to post challenges and celebrations, failures and successes. I'm learning to embrace them all.

Inspiration from a Rocker

Please go read this. I don't care if you're atheist, agnostic, angry, Islam, Jewish, Christian or just confused. This is important. This is crucial. This IS our mission.

http://usliberals.about.com/od/faithinpubliclife/a/BonoSermon.htm

Please don't overlook this speech because it's 4 years old, or from Bono. Don't ignore it because you're conservative. Read it with an open mind.

And, if you're out there reading Katallagei's blog, leave us a message. We want to know we're not the only ones out here. We're posting this for you.

BLESSINGS!

It's annoying but justice and equality are mates. Aren't they? Justice always wants to hang out with equality. And equality is a real pain.